Britney/Alicia: singles

Why am I choosing Britney over Alicia Keys?  I’m not asking this rhetorically.  Someone please explain this fucking shit to me.  What the hell is going on in my mind right now.  I feel so betrayed by my own senses.

Britney: Gimme More

Alicia: No One

What in the good fucking crap of the world is going on?!?  I blame it on expectation.  Everyone expects gold from Alicia Keys.  Everyone expected crap from Britney Spears.  Now I won’t call ‘Gimme More’ gold, but I’d dance the fuck out of it in a club.  I would, however, turn the station if I heard ‘No One.’  Or purposefully crash my car.

To Britney:  Introducing oneself followed by ‘bitch’ has been done a fabillion times.  First by Dave Chapelle.  Then the other fabillion minus 1 times by every frat boy on that cruise I went on in 2004.  And look at what happened to Dave.  But you already went fucking crazy.  So Ima stop.

To Alicia:  I’m not angry.  I’m not, I swear.  Sure, you can try to sing bad on purpose because you want to capture the Lauren Hill MTV unplugged sound.  I have to say though, not a great move.  After that live performance, I think Lauren ended up hanging herself by her dread locks.  Also, the synthesized accordion… No.

Massages and chocolate

This a quick list of what my job does for its employees.  Keep in mind, I’m at the front desk so i don’t get to walk off at any time to enjoy these things.

Everyday privileges (free):

• 25 cent soft drinks  (free if you’re in office services–>me)
• ping pong
• foosball
• XBox
• 2:00 snack (chocolate, fruit, fancy cheese… depending on the day)

Weekly perks (at a price):

• dry cleaning service
• massage ($1/min)
• car wash (from just a wash to full detailing)
• Pub Thursdays: beer on tap. Served at 4:30.

And just as a welcome to the office, my department is going bowling on Friday at 12 noon.  Where there will be drinking… I hope.

Why I won’t be famous

Well, I certainly won’t have a career in the film or music industry, but that wouldn’t have stopped me from living vicariously through other, more talented people.

My friend Bibis, who is a first-rate trained singer and performer, did not make the cut for American Idol. A part of me didn’t actually see it happening for her to make the TV show because that just doesn’t happen to real people in my mind. But the truth is she’s actually really good. She went to some art academy and trained to sing and do all that musical crap (note: crap does not indicate an opinion, only that I am bitter because I am not musical).

It’s been a couple of years since I actually watched the show, but from what I remember, the people who make it are nothing too special except for a few (usually one of them being the future winner). But maybe things have changed. Maybe enough people like Bibis, people with acutal talent, are trying out for the show. Maybe the bar is higher now. It must be. Because the last time I watched, I saw Fantasia win against that girl who looked like she trained with a car radio and the acoustics in her shower.

Click here to listen to pretty sounds from Bibis.

She definitely doesn’t do pop…. maybe that was the problem.

The DJ Crush.

I thought the DJ at Stir was hitting on me last night. It turns out that he’s interested in a friend who we will call S., who is also, in fact, not male. I was a little taken aback when ‘Kevin’ introduced himself to me, but he seemed a decent fellow. And more importantly, he was the guy behind the turn tables. The one who makes or breaks our musical evening.

The night was very enjoyable over all. I met Max and Andy and Jared. All of whom I’d seen at Stir before, but I never introduced myself. During one break from the floor, I snuck off to the side of the bar and waited for Caleb to come serve me a drink (the other bartender was not cute at all). And that’s when Kevin came up to me and told me he was a fan of S.

I was already a little drunk, so I actually had to imagine him with his head cocked to the side pinning earphones between the side of his head and his shoulder to recognize him.

He told me he was into S. and thought she was hot. I can’t quite make the connection to how he could know her. I don’t think S. has been to Stir at all. Maybe I’m just behind the times and she showed up on one weekend when I wasn’t there.

But Stir was off last night. The drinks were right, the people were right, but there was way too much techno playing and I only danced a few songs. Now, Kevin and I are obviously best friends. I’m willing to bet the DJ will play whatever the fuck I want if I convince S. to come to Stir. This pleases me greatly. We’ll see if she’s into this little game. Man. This is starting to sound way too diabolical…

…I guess I could just talk Jermaine into convincing Kevin to play better music. But that’s much less interesting than the story I just told.

 

The one the only.

Clearly spectacular

After four interviews and a phone screening, I’ve gotten the job at McKinney. You wouldn’t think they would take so much time to hire a receptionist. I am very happy to have a job since I had turned my two weeks in without having one lined up. A little sketchy, but I guess that tells you how much I was ready to get out of retail. I swear to god, if I make anything out of myself it will be a true success story: “College drop out, who was stuck in retail, thrilled to be hired to answer phones at the age of 24–Surprised by his success in porn.”

The celebration that followed yesterday evening was spectacular. Not only did we celebrate the new job, but Brandon turned 19. It was interesting sneaking him into bars, and his small stature was surprisingly not a problem. I think one highlight may have been when he carried two Bud Lite tallboys out onto the dance floor–twice. He was heavily intoxicated by the end.

Angie and Tina came and I got to make up for the mistake of missing Family Dinner on so many occasions. I think the sweat I poured out on dance floor more than makes up for my non-presence over the past few Mondays. I am wrong? I don’t know which of you came first, but the chicken and the egg definitely weren’t there, so they’re not even under consideration. Also, I don’t fuck with chickens or eggs.

in my grill/on the back of his head

Why do people insist on being so aggressive in line? I’m in Target today buying wine (Which I am enjoying now coincidentally), and while I’m beginning to swipe my credit card as the cashier rings me up, I’m chatting with the people who have finished checking out (the kid in front of me had his name shaved into the back of his head… i loved it.) I told “Jamie” that I liked his hair cut, and I wasn’t paying attention to the people behind me or to the cashier for that matter.

The cashier was running the conveyor belt as the people behind me approached. The woman next in line placed her microwave dinners and deodorant on the conveyor belt all of six inches away from the scanning area, and, needless to say, all up in my grill. Not only was she standing uncomfortably close, but she was literally putting her stuff on the conveyor belt inches away from the cashier. Isn’t the point of the conveyor belt to bring items at a distance a little closer? The real point being that each customer should be at a distance from one another.

I laughed as the Target cashier struggled to bag my wine and stop the conveyor belt from pushing the Lean Cuisine onto the scanner. I have to admit, she was close enough that I felt a little self conscious turning and looking at her to see what type of person would get so freakin’ close while waiting in line. The lady was close enough that I was embarrassed to look at her.

Note to self: personal space is a valued commodity.

2 weeks and Interview

For those who may be interested in my well being:

After efforts to convince me to stay, I’ve kept my two weeks in effect. My last day will be next week. I will be only working rollout during that last week, so make sure to show some love this week if you aren’t a rollout worker.

No, I don’t have another job lined up yet, but my interview yesterday went great at McKinney-Silver. They want someone to start asap, and they already called me back today for a follow up interview. Cross your fingers and any other part of you that can overlap.

In honor of my exodus, I’ve composed a haiku:

Sad to see it end

Even trees can learn to bend

Buddha sure is fat

Where I’m at

Tonight will be a much needed night of looking hot and drinking lots. I have a very strong conviction to just get out of my mind. I write to you, reader, in hopes that you will shed your homebody exterior, as I have, and come find me. I’ll be the one in white shoes (what else??), a purple shirt (maybe I’ve planned what I’m wearing, maybe not), and drinking bourbon if you get there early enough. No one needs Kentucky’s finest too late in the evening.

There is a strong possibility that there will be dancing. I hope my two favorites will be there [Allison/Jermaine] to maybe do a 1, 2 step with the boy. I only pray that we are minus a few of the people from last Sunday. It’s so easy to ruin a dance floor. Namely big-white-girl-sweating-through-gray-wife-beater.

Tonight is my second night of fuck-you-drinking. I should have it out of my head and ready for Monday’s experiences after Stir. I hope one person specifically will be there. I need a better look.

Lastly, thank you to Zandra, Tyler, Elise, Brandon, Sarah, Carolyn, those other people I didn’t know, and cherry-vodka/cokes.

And we’re back

Ok, so after many years (literally) of not being on Facebook, I’ve returned. I’d like to thank those of you who encouraged me to update my account. It has been a task. I have done a lot of changing, I realized, since I was last here. So here I am.